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[Ian Moir]

Art On The Run

Quentin Fisk, the curator of the Queensland Conservatorium for Unusual Material Being Exhibited Regionally (Q-CUMBER) is up in arms over what he claims is the reluctance of local police to devote their full attention to an incident which occurred in flood ravaged North Queensland earlier this week.

By witness accounts, an exhibit on loan from the Foundation for Useless But Amusing Robotics (FUBAR) broke free of its moorings and strolled out of the Cairns Museum of Unnatural History on Monday.

According to Fisk, the exhibit, a three meter tall robot whose arms are tied behind its back, depicts humankind’s anguish over our inability to control nature. “The fact that the robot turned tail and fled in the face of rising flood waters,” said Fisk, “reinforces the brilliance of this piece of work.”

Senior Sergeant Johnno Johnson of the Cairns CIB wasn’t as impressed with the robot’s actions. “Look”, he said, “if this thing is art, that’s all well and good. But the fact remains that we’re pretty busy up here at the moment with sixty percent of the state under water and we can’t be spending time trying to track down a bunch of titanium rods and copper wiring that’s gone walkabout.”

“Besides”, said Sgt Johnson, “if this thing is, as they say, a piece of artwork representing man’s inability to deal with everything that’s thrown at him, and it has bolted, we can’t pursue the matter anyway."

"To put it simply", said the sergeant, “in this case, the Statue of Limitations has run out.”
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.

[Ian Moir]

AFL Cries Foul

Reports surfaced today of a video allegedly produced by members of a prominent AFL club, entitled 'The Amorous Adventures of Sparky The Wonder Chicken'.

A spokesperson for the club admitted that the short in question might offend the sensibilities of all right-thinking people, but he defended the players' actions by stating that productions not too dissimilar to this one had won prizes at international film festivals.

"I admit", said Brett 'Biffo' Bronski, "that this movie was in bad taste. But taken in context, it's no more offensive than most of the trash lauded by so-called movie critics year after year at Cannes."

"Besides", he said, "the recent reports of bad behaviour by Rugby League players has forced our guys to go over the top in order to take back the headlines. They've only done what they thought was in the best interests of the game".

AFL boss, Andreas Dimitriades, disagrees in the strongest of terms. "This is not art", he said. "This is not movie-making; this is not boyish hijinks; and this is definitely not football!" he said. "AFL is all about consenting blokes beating the crap out of each other on the field of play. We will not tolerate the abuse of non-contracted inanimate objects."

Ms Amber Johanssen, chairperson of the activist group AMRP (All Men R Pigs) said: "It's simply outrageous; and just another example of the caveman mentality which pervades men's sport in this country. The sooner television networks embrace women's sports such as Extreme Embroidery and Soccer, the sooner the healing process will begin."

"Bollocks to that" said Spider Murphy, AFL legend and self-proclaimed movie critic. "As far as I can see, these blokes have captured on film a simple love story. Two chickens meet and fall in love. Okay, so one of them is dead and the other is made of rubber. But it's pure gold, from what I've seen broadcast on SBS. And there's a great opportunity here for a Super Hero sequel: 'Chicken Man - Son of Sparky' "

When questioned on the subject of future productions, the club's Bronski said that while everyone was embarrassed and ashamed of the "Sparky" piece, a few of the payers have been talking about making a more mainstream film.

"This one will be less confronting, but possibly still controversial." He said. "Basically, the story will revolve around a match official who cops so much heckling from the crowd that he eventually snaps and goes postal. I don't want to give too much away at this stage", said Bronski, "but the working title is 'The Umpire Strikes Back'."
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.

[Ian Moir]

Chk, Chk... Cough

Reports surfaced today of an eyewitness account of the origins of the latest strain of influenza to hit communities around the world. In an exclusive television interview, Miss Athena Wobbegong recounted all the alleged action.

"I just came out of the forest over there" said Miss Wobbegong, "when I saw this wolf arguing with these three little pigs."

"The wolf said to one of the pigs: 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down, eh'.

"Then the pig said 'no way you're gonna to do that, eh.' And he coughed in the wolf's face and said: 'now you're gonna get fully sick, eh' "

On further investigation by experts from the Australian Centre for Health and Other Organisations (ACHOO), it was discovered that Miss Wobbegong's account was nothing more than a fairy tale.

A contrite Miss Wobbegong said, "Yeah, I made it all up. But it could have happened. These government people said that my story might be correct… and that pigs might fly, too.

“ But I read the newspapers and that did happen, didn't it? I mean the thing about pigs flying. Only last week I saw the headlines... ‘Swine Flu’ "
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.

[Ian Moir]

Beached As, Bro’

Senior CSIRO Geologists today released the findings of research into the movement of the Australian continent over the past 20 squillion years.

“Our research indicates a steady eastward shift at the alarming rate of 1mm per millennium” said Dr Sandy Stone, “and if nothing is done to arrest this slide, Australia will one day wash up on the shores of New Zealand”.

Minister for Global Positioning, Tom Tomms, said that the Government had reacted swiftly to the scientists' warnings by commissioning further research into the viability of pinning the great southern land mass in place with a massive spike driven through the continental shelf into the Earth’s core.

“What we are looking at” said Minister Tomms, “is a bracing structure called a Continental Undershelf Pin, or C.U.P. So far, the research indicates that the best place to locate one of these is just off the coast of Victoria, south of Melbourne.”

“Basically”, said the Minister, “we’re hoping that the Melbourne C.U.P. will be the brace that stops the nation.”
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.

[Kevin White]

That's "Shocking"!

[Ian Moir]

‘Twas a few weeks before Christmas
And all in the news
Were stories of a philandering golfer
And Australian sport reviews

Of the first, there’s not much more to tell
Except that the Tiger has left the building
And moved into a hotel

If only he’d heeded the words of his marital vow
And not his sponsor’s slogan – ‘Just Do it’
He’d be in less trouble now

And as the salacious details emerged
Of Woody’s nocturnal habits
It seemed that the man they dubbed “Tiger”
Had more in common with rabbits

In local sport news,
Reviewer Crawford had said
“I simply followed my brief “
Stirring an angry reaction
From the Oz Olympic chief

“The price of gold has skyrocketed”
Said the AOC boss; and he’d know
“It’ll take many millions more
To make a mark in the Big Show”

In response, the Sport Minister, standing proud and tall
Showed an admirable level of skill at dodgeball
While acknowledging that objections had been lodged
With statements non-committal
She dipped, ducked, dived and dodged

“All will be revealed” she said, without reason or rhyme
“By the end of the year; which is early next year.”
Leaving many to wonder:
Can she tell time?

Or perhaps it is I who is confused with the dates
Could the calendar be as variable as bank interest rates?
Well… whether it falls on December 25, or some other time
Merry Christmas to all
That’s the end of this rhyme.
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.

[Ian Moir]

Number 1 Seed Tossed Out Of Fruit Festival

The Mount Widgeroo Annual Fruit Festival ended in uproar today when reigning melon-throwing champion Tom ‘tosser’ Turnbul was disqualified for fruit tampering. Event officials claim that, after selecting a melon for his third attempt, Turnbul took a bite from it before thrusting it into the air to set what would have otherwise been a new district record.

“This is a flamin’ outrage!” said Turnbul, after being informed of his disqualification. “The judges need their eyes checked. I didn’t bite the damn thing. I only kissed it, for good luck.”

Both sides will have the chance to make their respective cases at a tribunal hearing to be convened by the International Fruit-Flinger’s Federation on Tuesday night, but it is believed that video footage of the incident will weigh heavily against Turnbul.

“I’m not taking this lying down.” said ‘the tosser’. “I’ve seen the video and it’s pretty rough footage. If the IFFF relies on something that’s a bit ‘iffy’… well that’s a lot of ‘ifs’.”

The festival’s Chief Steward and local grandmother, Mabel Smith, was shocked by the incident. “This could have far-reaching consequences.” said Granny Smith. “In all of our events, we use fruit that’s well past its prime. If competitors aren’t pulled-up for taking bites out of it… well, let me tell you, it will leave a bad taste in the mouths of many people around here.”
_________________
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left " - Seasick Steve.